Week 22 of 52

The last 24 hours have been very hard. I discovered that my heart warrior did not pass her reading EOG again. Last year’s results showed she should have never been in the 3^rd grade to begin with. I knew this and my cries fell on deaf ears. I decided to let Madelynn repeat the 3^rd grade for multiple reasons. She struggled but was still successful. Her teacher knew with her disabilities she would not be able to complete the EOG but by law, I had to make her take it. Her teacher was working on her portfolio to be able to show proof she could move on.

I knew before the test she had proven her worth, she would be eligible to move on no matter the test result. Thinking that it would relieve some of her stress, I told her that the night before the test. Do your very best even if it is not enough for the test she earned her right to move on to the fourth grade. When she brought me the test results and I told her the result she was the most deflated I had ever seen her. It took every ounce of my being to keep it together and not just scream and cry right there.

Why is my child not able to do this? Why is my child not worthy of a passing grade? What could I have done to get her equal to her peers?

The answer is nothing. I could do nothing more.

My child was born with a broken heart that required open-heart surgery. They stopped her heart; she was clinically dead, repaired it and then hoped her heart was start again. Without this surgery she would have died. Because of this surgery, she has other problems that her brain does not fire like everybody else’s. I was given a gift. I have had 10 years so far of this gift and I hope this gift continues for many years to come. However, days like today make me feel like my child is not worthy and will never be good enough. It makes me want to scream.

So instead, I will love her with every ounce of my being. I will teach her to live life with no regrets. I will remind her that she always is enough.

I love you to the moon and back to infinity and beyond Madelynn!

As I remove myself from my soapbox just know that this summer and every day after today defines who she is not some state mandated test.

TTFN~

Finding a way

Finding a way

The love of a parent is like a brilliant bonfire at it's peak. The flames are large and colorful; something you can't take your eyes off of. And you don't want to.

Some days the fire is so hot you can't go near it. I hate the days where I feel like I can't reach my child. I hate the days where my words turn into ashes instead of rising in the air like a phoenix.

Waiting for my child to make the choice that turns the orange and red flames into brilliant clean burning blues. Blues so cool and smooth you feel like you can exhale. The cold air smoke rises from your mouth and dissipates into the nothingness. The anxiety is gone.

I do not like seeing mt child all slumped and closed off. A person of few words and lots of shoulder shrugs is not who I envisioned I would be raising. I do realize this is a marathon and not a sprint. I know that someday we will get there even though today feels like a losing battle. Today I feel totally defeated. I hope one day he finds a way to make the right choice. To find a way to be happy with the amazing person I know he is.

God help me until he finds a way.

TTFN~