The last few months have been a very difficult journey that I have battled within myself. I have cried a lot. I have felt like such a failure on a regular basis. What it has come down to is I did not fight hard enough.
At the end of May and beginning of June everyone was posting on social media about the end of the school year and their child rising to the next grade. I stressed about the EOG testing and knowing that Madelynn would not do well. I tried at the beginning of the school year to get her held back and to repeat the 2nd grade. I really felt it was best. However Madelynn's new school only had an admissions director in the spring of Madelynn's 2nd grade year. Her previous school lied about her ability and passed her on, they knew she was leaving. Once the principal was in place I did not fight harder for her and I failed her.
After repeated conversations with the principal this year, we have decided to have her repeat the third grade. I have tried to make peace with it but there is still a part of me that feels like I failed her. When Madelynn went to her yearly physical this summer we talked about possible learning issues and her being retained. At the end of August we will take on a new specialist and have Madelynn tested for learning disabilities. It feels like we have taken 10 steps backwards.
It is possible Madelynn was lacking oxygen early during her heart journey and it affected the way her brain processes things. My mind is racing about what things will need to be adjusted for Madelynn in school and fighting to make sure those things happen. We still struggle daily to get her to eat she will be 9 in about two weeks and still weighs less than 50 pounds. She has been going to tutoring 4 days a week this summer in hopes she does not lose what gains she made in the school year even though it wasn't enough to move on to the 4th grade.
I have really tried to find the positives about this. There are a few and in the end I hope it will be for the best. I am really working on trusting this is all part of God's plan. The one that brings a smile to my face every time is that because of this change my best and I will have daughters graduate from high school the same year. I know this is a very selfish reason. but I love my best friend like I love my sister. I also know 10-15 years from now none of this will matter. It won't change how much I love her. It won't change that I will always fight for her. It won't change she is worth every breath I take.
During our first week of summer break we were off to the beach, for me to drown my sorrows and forget about them for a little while. For my kids to have an amazing time on the sand. We saw dolphins, harvested our own sand dollars, walked miles daily on the beach for just a little while the rest of the world did not matter. But sometimes life is not all dolphins and sand dollars and we have to tackle reality and fight it head on, even when we don't think we can.
P.S. Katie and Jack will be entering 8th and 7th grade in late August.
TTFN~
