It seems like ever since we came back from our trip at Thanksgiving I am in my very own personal hurricane. I feel like I am just no stop spinning, stick my head out to take a breathe and back into the whirlwind I go. I let the last eight weeks of events control my life and it is now time to let it go.
While trying to celebrate my oldest child's 7th birthday we were informed that one of the Heart Children we have known since joining LCK in November 2008 passed away. This amazing young man was the epitome of this group. Seeing him "really living life" gave moms like me hope that my child could have this same type full life experience. When he died it reminded me how precious life is and not to take a second of it for granted.
But I am not going lie....I was really scared. Seeing this young man, you did not know how sick he really was. Seeing my daughter even on the day before her surgery it still amazes me that she should have died. But today as she runs into pre-school and she seems totally fine, how do I know the difference between those two days is she fine or not. Some days the stress eats me alive.
The last few weeks were not what I expected or hoped for either. It has been really sad, depressing and oddly lacking in laughter. I was very sadden by the death of my best friends father. I didn't have any really spectacular words to help ease her pain except to tell her that I loved her and I would see her soon. Oh how I wanted to help take some of her pain away.
In the same week I was informed that someone I knew from my last job passed away in his sleep at the ripe old age of 27. I just kind of looked up at the sky and asked God...'Are you kidding me?!?!?!' What appears to be a normal healthy male goes to sleep not feeling well and dies. I can't imagine what his parents are going through or his friends, I know, that found him the next morning.
While this is going on we have a snow storm one Sunday evening followed by ice the following evening and Katie and Jack missed four days of school, went to school on a two hour delay Friday and then they were out for a three day weekend for MLK Holiday. By Thursday of this adventure, I told Phil I needed to go to work or I was going to lose my mind. So he stayed home with the kids and I went to work.
The last eight weeks I have really felt beaten down and defeated and I want out of this rut. It has really been a struggle too. However, I am finding joy in old and new places. This is a new year and I refuse to take the heartbreak and sadness with me into the new year. One of the things that I have done is not worry about the stuff that will always be there. The dishes, dusting and laundry will always be there. But my parents, husband, friends and children may not. So everyday after school homework gets done, rooms are cleaned and we eat dinner as a family. Even if Phil has to work late the rest of us are still at the dining room table with his place left ready in case he makes it home to join us.
The kids are back in swimming lessons and it is as if the lessons never stopped. Lessons are longer and later than before so when we get home it is showers and to bed. Non swim lessons night, dinner and dishes are done by 6:30 so I can do anything or nothing with the kids. Jackson asked me to change his room around the way he wanted. I thought why not what would it really hurt. Since I did it, his room is clean EVERY day.
Back during the snow storm when the snow came down in HUGE flakes for hours I stood in the snow in my pajamas, wearing Phil's shoes and coat and took pictures. I wish I would have taken video of Phil bouncing Katie and Jack on the trampoline in the snow. The flying snow and all of the giggling would wash any tear away at least for a little while.
So going forward, I am going to find something to laugh out loud about everyday. I am not going to get frustrated when I have to wait for Maddie to blow Katie and Jack kisses as they walk into school. I am going to remember that every hug, kiss and 'I love you' matter and don't take them for granted. I am going to find someone to pass my positive energy to everyday even if they don't wanted.
Don't get me wrong I will still worry about Maddie and some days worry too much about what could be. Will Jackson mature fast enough to accomplish kindergarten and will Katie figure out how to get along with her classmates and not get into so much trouble. I am still going to get frustrated with my kids and need that few minutes of complete silence where someone isn't yelling Mommy 24/7/365. But my goal is to make those events less and less the center of everyday life.
My hope is that throughout the year I always find something to hope for to bring better balance in my life.
TTFN~
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