Over the last two years I can tell you I have felt the true definition of Rage and Defeat. To have Rage and Anger over take you is very exhausting. Sometimes you have to let it takes it's course and get it out or you can not move on.
It is no secret that I was really angry when I found out that I was pregnant with Madelynn. Don't get me wrong all children are a gift from God. But I already had two truly beautiful gifts and a third was just plain selfish. There are hundreds even thousands of families begging God everyday for the gift of a child why did I need another one. Still not understanding why I accepted it and moved one so I could have a healthy pregnancy.
The Rage and Anger set in a few days after Madelynn's surgery. Thinking....more like yelling at God, "So you insist that I have this child and then she is born with a broken heart...talk about unreal." I could feel the anger all the way down to my core. To make matters worse she suffered a serious complication and was very sick. The illness was due to the ventilator. I just had to watcher her struggle every day to fight and get well. I was beyond defeat.
If it wasn't for a few friends that would call and check on me the nights I was sleeping at the hospital, I would cry myself to sleep or be so angry in those wee hours of the morning I couldn't sleep. Then one day it was gone. I can not tell you why or how, there was no epiphany that told me she would be alright or maybe there was and I don't remember.
What I do remember is being at peace with the thought that whatever the reason she needed to be born this way....She would live, I mean really live.
Watching her today, her pure joy for life reaches so many people. Seeing strangers in public just smile when they see her, watching her run up and hug the grandmothers I work with who are missing their own grandchildren or just seeing Phil's face light up when she runs to him screaming, "Daddy's Home!" every single day.
I am reminded..... "I should look at life with gratitude; even when things fall apart something greater Always Prevails."
She is my greater that prevailed.
TTFN~
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