I can't fix everything no matter how badly I want to, nor is it my job too. Some days I have the patience of a nat buzzing around. Throughout my adventure with Madelynn I have learned patience and I have learned to wait and wait and wait.
Whether I was just waiting, watching and praying for her to get well, waiting in the doctor's office, waiting at the pharmacy I was always waiting. I believe most of the time I handled it well; although we all have our days.
What I did not handle well was everything else that came with it. The stress of taking a leave of absence from work, not being able to work a full time job, then the full time job wasn't available anymore. How in the world would I be able to take care of Madelynn, work a part time job and with the lack of money coming in, making sure that everything seemed ok on the outside to Kaitlynn and Jackson.
For a long time I put up a pretty good front and tried to control it all. I literally carried a portable filing cabinet around. I tried to handle it all, going to social services getting help so Kaitlynn and Jackson could stay in daycare while I worked part time and took Madelynn to all of her appointments. We were able to get some help with some of the medical bills but I had to fight for that and it took me 6 months to get that money. Emotionally it was simply too heavy to carry.
Until finally one day, all the money was gone. I had no idea how we would make it. But that was just it. I didn't have to do it, all I had to do was trust God to show us the way.
One of my favorite stories was around my birthday. My mom asked what I wanted. I told her I didn't need anything because she had done enough already. Her response was, "Suit yourself I am still going to buy you something don't blame me if you don't like it. Two days later I was stressing. I paid all the bills but we were really short on grocery money.
I called my mom and we were going to the store together. She had no idea how much we needed money for groceries and I didn't tell her. As I was driving to the store I just prayed for God to show me that everything would be ok. I asked for guidance to buy the right things and not be selfish with the items I would buy.
As we were turning down the street to go into the store parking lot my mom says, "Oh by the way I figured this year I would just give you some money for your birthday to use how you needed. I transferred it this morning." It took all I had not to cry. As usual it was enough to get us through.
"Open my eyes to all that is before me. Teach me how to wait for life to unfold in it's own way."
This is probably the biggest lesson I have learned this year. I am reminded daily that I am not in charge and I need to trust that God will take care of it as long as I do my part. As long as I am responsible with our money, God will make sure the we always have enough.
Phil would call me and say he got paid from this job or that job and ask me if it was enough to cover the short fall. I used to say I need to check and let you know. Now I either know to the penny what we need so I can answer him or I just tell him it will be enough. I don't want him worrying that it wasn't enough mostly I trust that God will make sure it is enough.
I have also learned that it is not about I or me anymore. It is not my burden to carry alone anymore. I carry it with Phil to remind us to be wise in how we spend our money but I also give the burden over for God to carry.
Honestly, I am not sure I would have learned this as well had I not walked this journey. Overall, it truly had made me a better person and I am grateful for it.
TTFN~
No comments:
Post a Comment