For Aunt Jenni....

To Aunt Jenni:

The other day I was trying to get a nice picture of Kaitlynn to update on the blog. After sitting for all the nice pictures she asked if she could do a silly one. Above was the result.

TTFN~

Pure Joy

For those of you who are having a rough week I thought these would breathe new life into whatever ails you.

No matter what my day has brought me frustration, tears or pure exhaustion I am suddenly rejuvenated by this bright smiling face. Don't get me wrong the sight of any of my children restores my world. To see the pure joy on Madelynn's face makes the rest of my world so completely right. I thought I would share her smiles with the rest of you.

Happy Thursday!!

Or as we like to call it....Happy Weekend Eve!!

TTFN~

Out of Control

So it is midnight and I am still awake. For some reason wide awake. It has been such a long day and I should be asleep, but I am not. After my normal routine of taking Katie and Jack to school and heading off to work with Maddie, the mad rush began.

I left work with Maddie and headed to the carpool line to get Katie and Jack. We had about 30 minutes at home until we headed off to swim lessons. Katie did her homework and Jack read his books and we were in the car again. We only have one more swim lesson until after the first of the year. I am very excited about this.

Watching the kids succeed at swimming is very exciting but I have been driving to the rec center and back for months. A break would be nice.

However, today there were no breaks in sight. We arrived home from swim lessons to eat and help Katie finish her homework and off to a "Make it and Take it Night" at the school. While the kids were in one of the classrooms watching a movie and reading books the parents were able to go to the cafeteria for a little fun.

In the cafeteria were little stations to make games to help your child study and learn and still have fun. For example there was a station with 5 or 6 pages of words. Words the kids have to know to leave the 1st grade. The words are used instead of the color block cards like in the game of Candyland. If the child can tell you the word on the card they can move forward. If they get a card with the word bang on it they lose a turn.

With these same word cards the kids pick the card out of a can if they can say it they can keep it. If they pull the word "bang" out they lose all their cards. There were a few other games you could make however, according to Maddie I had been gone long enough.

It the short time I had to myself I met some of the mom's in Katie's class, one of which works at the hospital we know only too well. But is was nice to have normal adult conversations. That is until I look up and see some stranger caring Maddie looking for which parent is going to claim her. Funny thing is I had just finished giving a small story about Maddie and her fight, when who should grace us with her presence.

The mom's were stunned at how good she looked. However, Maddie made it very difficult to enjoy my last few minutes before we needed to head home. So I cut my losses and grabbed Katie and Jack and went home. The best part about my day was that by 8:45 all three kids were passed out in their own beds.

It is too bad I didn't try to do the same. Maybe tomorrow I will try to gain control again.

TTFN~

The more they stay the same

Recently I have been sharing with you about how life has changed for us in the journey we have been on. I thought I had writer's block and was getting frustrated. Then I read about my sister discontinuing her blog which disappointed me. She inspires me and reminds me why we as mothers do certain things.

Then I started thinking is she right should I discontinue the blog.......

After a week or so of stewing I have come to a conclusion.......

I don't know yet what I am supposed to do with the journey I am on. How am I supposed to help others with the information I have learned. I did not walk this road for nothing. I need to do something. Life has changed so much for us I need to do something with it.

But what......

My conclusion, certain things in life stayed the same and needed to be shared. Blogging sometimes is a form of therapy for me and I am going to continue doing it. Whether anyone else reads it or not one day my children will.

So what stayed the same......my dad, my best friend and my husband.

As soon as my parents found out they wanted to be at the hospital. My poor mom needed to work out the day and joined us later. But my dad it was like he just magically appeared as soon as we completed that dreadful walk from the cardiology office to the hospital. I remember he asked questions at just the right moment (to help fill the silence and pass the time). I don't think I had ever seen him so calm and patient.

He waited until we finished talking to the doctors, would let us explain and then asked us questions in case I left something out. Even when Phil had to leave and go home to get me some clothes and personal items, my dad was still there.

I don't even remember when he left that first day but every time I turned around he was still always there. My hope one day is that I will have that same patience, calmness and the ability to contain my composure to help my children when they need it most. Even if it is nothing more that just being there in the silence.

Most people do not have the good fortune to have a best friend as a nurse either. After I contacted my employer to say I would be out of work for awhile, called my parents and broke down, I needed my best friend (of 25 years and counting). She has always been the one to bring me back to earth and create a plan of action to face everything head on.

As she traveled the world whenever I needed her she was there. I could call her anytime and we would talk like we just chatted yesterday. When I explained what was happening she wanted every detail. I didn't realize it at the time but, had it not been for those conversations I would have never been able to cope.

She helped me comprehend what was happening so I could understand it. Being a nurse and having a father with heart issues she knew what questions to ask. If I left something out she would ask me questions that put it all in the right order again. There are always questions that arise after the doctor or nurse leaves the room she helped me remember to ask them or she could already answer them.

I burned the battery in my phone twice that night. After my dad left and Phil had to go home to take care of Kaitlynn and Jackson and wait for his mother and sister to arrive, I was in the hospital alone watching the monitors tick away. I was reliving certain comments made that day that really struck a cord.

"She should not be alive"

"What a miracle"

"She would have died at home"

There were so many and suddenly so overwhelming I was starting to cry and lose it. Being alone with all of these scary emotions I felt my world spinning out of control. Then my cell phone rang. There she was, my best friend, without skipping a beat. Even 500 miles away she still saved the day.

Someday I pray Madelynn will be so lucky to have that one friend that no matter what battle scars she acquires; she will have that one friend that will be her Florence Nightingale, bind up her wounds and remind her to carry on no matter what. That one friend that will walk your journey with you no matter what.

After being at the hospital watching over Madelynn for days Phil sent me home. Kaitlynn and Jackson needed to see me. I needed to see them. Phil promised me Madelynn would be fine he would stay the night and I could sleep in my own bed with Kaitlynn and Jackson piled in. It was great, I didn't realize how much I missed them until I hugged them.

I know inside he was an emotional mess but he didn't show it. He was a rock. He held my hand and hugged me at just the right moments. He made sure I ate and wouldn't let me get lost in my thoughts too long. One of the nights he was there and I was home Madelynn quit breathing. They needed to resuscitate her and Phil witnessed the whole thing alone. When I found out I cried and apologized that he had to experience it alone. I can't imagining witnessing that alone. It takes my breath away, the true anchor of strength he is.

As my world was rocked forever, I was very lucky that God surrounded me with people that helped calm the rumbles. Looking back at what life was, and how it changed I was gifted with people that made my life make sense. These people are always their every day. They just knew it was time to step forward.

So for as much as life changed for us the more it stayed the same being surrounded by family and friends to help along the way. It still amazes me everyday how I am reminded of God's perfect timing.

Thank you again to my dad for always coming to my side when it mattered most and to my best friend for never letting miles come between us. As for Phil, you are a great Dad and your strength is heart stopping. Kaitlynn, Jackson and Madelynn are truly blessed to have you.

TTFN~

Pre-School

Eventually, during the month of October I won't be such an emotional train wreck. I thought I was doing so well until I went to Madelynn's Halloween Hullabaloo. It was so cute and unfortunately I did not take a single picture. Instead I took in the moment. It hit me so hard that right in the middle of it I could not stop crying.

I thought the different classes of Madelynn's school were going to be doing something different for Halloween, for example little skits and songs. I was wrong. The director hired a 3 piece band to come in and play kids music that required their involvement. If someone would have told me I was about to witness a miniature size mosh pit I would have never believed them. It was hilarious.

As Madelynn's class was led into the room for the concert these little two-year olds were terrified. They were not familiar with the room they were in. They did not recognize that many people and were very confused. Madelynn didn't even realize I was right behind her for the first five minutes. It then took her another 10 minutes to get out of my lap and start dancing.

Watching her dance and fully enjoy a kids show where she could dance and be herself was amazing to watch. It took my breath away. To think two years ago almost to the day she was about to undergo her open heart surgery. As I realized that and how far we had come I couldn't stop crying. We had reached a monumental point in her life, I remember begging God to please get us to this very point one day and He did not let us down.

As I see her blossom in her new school, she is experiencing things I would have never imagined. She has this gentle soul that the children in her class even know about. There is a little girl in the class that is blind. First of all, to see her mother interact with her and explain the world around her is humbling. But Madelynn knows she is different. Only Madelynn sees it differently. She picked up on the fact that the little girl's mother explains the things she can not see. When Madelynn sees the girl's mother she wants to help her get her things (backpack, lunch box, etc). Her compassion for others is amazing.

But then one day one of her classmates acquired a boo-boo that just needed a hug and a little TLC. However, the injured child did not want the teacher to help the boo-boo go away. Instead the child asked for Madelynn to give him a hug instead. Madelynn even kissed his boo-boo for him. It was very sweet; the teachers we disappointed they could not get it on video.

I can't imagine how my two year old little girl already knows how to show compassion and empathy to others. Most days it is unfathomable to me. I just hope I can help her continue to develop these wonderful attributes as she grows older and she can put them to good use in her every day life.

I am continually astonished and humbled myself everyday.

TTFN~

Happy Halloween............

Happy Halloween!!!!

It was a little bit cooler tonight when the kids went trick or treating so Madelynn wore the monkey costume compliments of the Schmichel's (Thank's Aunt Jenni and Uncle Dave). Kaitlynn and Jackson were too excited to sit still. However, Madelynn was having a ball walikg around and making monkey sounds so I decided to share some of them.

TTFN~

A Different Perspective

So two years ago we were pacing the floor in the hospital, waiting for tests to be completed, and trying to mentally prepare for this:

There is no way we could have ever been prepared for this.

Last year, we were preparing for a Celebration of sorts. We decided to throw a party to say THANK YOU. We were finally able to breath, to sit down with our family, friends and co-workers and tell them how much we appreciated everything they did to help us in whatever capacity we needed. We would have never been able to make it without them.

This year, although quiet and peaceful it will always be lingering around remembering where we have been. But the pure simple joy that today brought is something I would like to always cherish.

Today started out very early as I greeted Phil's parents about 12:30am when they arrived at the house. After sleeping a few hours and getting Kaitlynn and Jackson off to school, Madelynn and I took Phil's parents to Trader Joe's. After lunch, I put Madelynn down for her nap and headed to the elementary school to Kaitlynn's class. Her teacher was doing something really fun for the afternoon and needed volunteers.

For most people not only is this an uneventful day it might even border on boring. But two years ago I had to trust someone else to care for two of my children while I lived at the hospital, Phil traveled back and forth I missed so many day to day things it made me cry. Today, I savored the hour and a half that I spent at the school hanging out with Kaitlynn and her classmates.

After dinner, the five of us and Phil's parents headed off to the rec center for the Halloween Spooktacular. The kids dressed up and we took them to a free indoor activity where they played games for candy and prizes, jumped in the bounce house and had their faces painted. They had a ball and were completely exhausted and I didn't miss a minute of it.

Trying to be proactive about my father calling me to make sure I get a picture of the kids dressed up for Halloween I tried to take a photo. I figured the weather was nice, they were already dressed up, get the picture, send it to dad and surprise him. As you can see the kids were too excited and not very cooperative.

Not too bad but could be better....

She liked the Pom-Pom's just a little too much.....

If her eyes would have been at facing the camera we would have been in business....

So although I did not get the Halloween picture I wanted lucky for me I still have another chance when they actually trick or treat this weekend.

Before I forget, THANK YOU Uncle Jon and Aunt Dixie for the University of Notre Dame cheer leading uniform. When Madelynn was born they sent it as a gift. I carefully put it away and saved it, never thinking I could use it for Halloween. Since our weather has been crazy, 85 degrees and humid at the end of October, I figured it would be a great costume that she wouldn't melt in. She loved her little pom-pom's. I think I was only whacked in the head twice.

This was a much better way to spend the 29th of October then that in 2008.



TTFN~