Completely Discouraged

I thought that life would find some type of normalcy once Maddie had reached a certain point of recovery. I thought or maybe I convinced myself it was just a bump in the road. After the last few weeks I have had I was sourly mistaken. I know now why parents walk away from their children. Please let me stress I do not agree with it but I understand it. Life and Parenting does not come with an instruction manual but very little prepared me for the last few weeks but mostly the last few days.



I have been working on the kids baby books updating them adding pictures and stories. I have this really cool retractable craft table I can set up and take down at a moments notice. My kids were warned it was not theirs and nothing on the table was to be touched. They destroyed several of my supplies off the table.



For Christmas Katie and Jack received the blankets that have to be cut and knotted to be made. I sat one night for four hours and made both of them. Katie took hers and my good craft scissors (off the table) and started cutting the blanket into little tiny pieces all over her bedroom floor.



All of the kids were playing in Jack's room I went to go checking on them, I found Maddie running around naked and Katie and Jack thought it would be okay to pee on Jack's bedroom carpet. Just because they could.



I am only working three days a week and everyday when I come home from work their rooms are destroyed and they give me grief about cleaning it up. It takes forever to get it clean and by the time they are clean it is bed time.



There are no words for some things I have had to deal with my children, mostly Katie and Jack. Don't get me wrong my kids should not be bored by any means. I have gone out of my way to make sure they have had a fun filled summer with VBS, Discovery Place, Camp Gabe. The Water Park (at least once a week), Free movies, Trips to the Library, Parades, Camp LuCK, and a short trip to the Beach. Something has been planned every single week so they would not be bored. I have failed.



So now except for swimming lessons and books to read I have to take it ALL away. I am even considering re-arranging the bedrooms so that the only thing in their rooms are beds, clothes and books. Don't get me wrong they can earn the toys back but it will take days of good behavior to earn one toy back.



I have even tried to set a good example by keeping my bedroom clean and trying to make my bed everyday. I even asked Katie and Jack what it was that I ever taught them or had done to make they think all of this behavior was okay. The response I was given was shrugged shoulders. In case any one is wondering spanking is not working.



I thought I was being a good mom, I thought I was being fair, I thought I was always doing what was best for them. Well now what is best for them is to be mean. At least in their eyes I will be mean. I have to take it all away until they realize I am in charge, what I say goes and if they can not follow the rules they don't get the advantages of good behavior. I hate the fact that I have to become this person because I am not this person.



I have a big heart and love them with every ounce of my existence. I have gone with out so much for myself so they can have everything. I have worked relentlessly to make sure that they have no idea we are struggling and barely floating. They have no idea of the generosity of others so that they don't miss a beat of every day life.



I am so disappointed that I have failed them and have to become this person I never wanted to be. In the end as long as they learn something I know it will be worth. However, to accomplish this I have to become a person with no emotion, telling them no, you have to show me you can be good before you can have that or do that. You have to earn it.



I am just very depressed, disappointed and discouraged about the whole thing. What a horrible way to end summer vacation.



TTFN~