I remember the day I found out I was going to have Madelynn. Five minutes after I took the test and it was positive my sister called me. I could have lied to her or not answered the phone but until I said it out loud it would not be real. She was very excited. I was angry, so angry. All of these why's kept wandering around in my mind.
One of the first people I wanted to tell was my best friend on the planet, Justine. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. She had been trying to have a baby and not succeeded yet. I felt like it would have been a slap in the face to call her. A few weeks after I found out someone I knew miscarried. I was still so angry. I didn't even want to tell my Dad because although ultimately he would be excited my dad is a matter of fact kind of guy. Facts are we could not afford a third child.
Then we have my feelings. I did not want a third child, did not need a third child, could not afford a third child. With so many parents longing out there in some cases begging God for a child, why were we gifted. I was perfectly happy with my two. I did not understand nor did I want to. One day I was crying at a horrible way some friends lost a baby, I asked Phil why is this happening to us.
Phil said it didn't matter it is happening to us and you better get ready.
So I did, I got ready and did my very best to prepare myself and my children for what was about to happen. Or so I thought I did.
One night after Madelynn's surgery during her recovery I was in the car alone driving somewhere I don't even remember where. I was talking to God more like yelling at him. I was so angry. Why was it so important Madelynn be born? We could afford a third child not to mention the multitudes of medical bills? Were you using her so that I would find my way back to you? Why were you using an innocent child. My child and why did my child have to suffer for my mistakes?
All of the sudden the I felt a response......My child suffered for you.
I cried the rest of the way home. There are days I wondered if I was really worth all that.
Over time the anger slowly melts away because God truly is faithful and today Madelynn is completely medication free. So far, with help of some wonderful people the medical bills are getting paid. My best friend has a little girl who is thriving and was born about a month after Madelynn. If you saw Madelynn today you would never know what happen to her. The medication free is just a test we will know more in June.
I am definitely a different person today and my focus on life is different. Kaitlynn and Jackson were so patient waiting for their turn when Madelynn took so much of my time. I work everyday to make sure they never feel that way again. I still worry that we will have a set back with Madelynn but then I remember something Phil told me.
Would you just worry about today and not about something that may never happen?!
So as we get ready for Easter and Spring I am really excited. All the kids are well and healthy, time has changed and the days are warmer. God has shown us He has not abandoned us. We might wish the circumstances to be different but if we did that then we might not be who we are today.
I used to say I can't wait till Friday or vacation. You know we all do it. Someone once told me to stop wishing my life away. Savor today.
By savoring today, I saw Kaitlynn read to Madelynn, Jackson came back to me after he was put to bed to give me another kiss and hug, and Madelynn jumped up and down on the bed when she saw Daddy round the corner and she yelled, "Daddy hugs" as she threw her arms wide open.
I hope you find something to savor about today.
TTFN~
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