Today is the 3rd Anniversary of Madelynn's Heart surgery that saved her life. When I think about this day there is a phrase that jumbles around in my head I will never forget.
"There is no medical reason that your daughter is alive today. She really is a miracle."
If I let it, that phrase would bring me to my knees every time. It reminds me that God has a perfect plan for Madelynn. Most certainly not my plan but God's. There is a handful of pictures taken about 10 days before Madelynn's surgery that when I see them, I would think that is the last time my life made sense. Really these pictures are the last time I controlled my life. I am reminded daily that God is in charge and I need to be obedient in what plan He has for my children and I.
Recently I came across this and it just made me stop.
"I can not give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole."
As a heart parent, there is always this underlying fear that if you love with every ounce of your being and it is not enough how do you recover from that and where do you go from here. After surgery, I was so afraid to love her with everything I had. I couldn't hold her, there were wires coming from every direction and that little girl that just beamed with smiles was gone. I used to tell Phil, I just want to see her smile. (It took 10 days to see that smile again.)
A few days after surgery I was so desperate to hold her I asked the nurse if it was safe. It took a little doing but they set me up in a rocking chair and in my arms she came. It reminded me of the day she was born. There is no feeling like it, simple, pure Joy! I watched her body relax because she recognized me and tears rolled down my face. We watched the sun go down out the hospital window, I sang her the bedtime lullaby I would sing at home and she fell asleep.
As I was driving home to see Kaitlynn and Jackson, I realized I had to trust that giving my all
had to be enough. I needed to "recklessly" love her.
Over the past three years, we have reached Monster Highs; where you felt like you were flying and could barely catch your breath. Those dark, cold, Evil Lows filled with tears, anger, frustration days that will just suck the life right out of you. We are still here and the journey is far from over. We have learned to focus on finding today's Joy. When the dark times try to overtake the day, we refuse it and never stop fighting.
To see Madelynn today you would never believe her journey and you are fully aware we fought with everything we had. We have learned to never refuse an open door, move on from the door that refuses us and look for the window.
As we celebrate our third year at our second chance with Madelynn, we are Thankful for God's perfect plan of Dr. Alfred Kendrick, Dr. Christopher Baird, Dr. Nicholas Sliz, Dr. Alan Harsch and Dr. Douglas Chen. We know it was God's impeccable timing for each of them to be there when we needed them most.
For those family and friends who were there from the beginning and if needed we can call on again today....Thank You! We would have never been able to make this journey without you.
TTFN~
