Last year at this time we were definitely in a different place. Maddie had been home from the hospital about two weeks and I was stressed to the max. She wasn't eating the way she should and what she did eat she was not keeping down. I was incredible worried. As part of her discharge agreement she needed to get a weight check every week.
We went in for her weight check and she had lost 9oz. To most people that is a steak dinner. To my daughter, it was a huge failure for her and me. The doctor was immediately called in and the hospital was called to admit her back in the hospital. The pediatrician said she needed a jump start to get her back on track and he wanted that done at the hospital under heavy supervision.
Because Maddie was stable I was allowed to drive her to the hospital. I went into overdrive packed some clothes and necessary items for the two of us made arrangements for the Katie and Jack and Phil met me at the hospital.
I was beside myself.....my child wasn't thriving, I was failing her. I was failing her so badly in fact that I had to drive her to the hospital myself. I cried all the way there and felt very diminished. I was not the right person for the job. I was really just drowning in self pity. As any daughter would do I called my mom and another close friend about my failure.
To me the worse part about it was that Katie's birthday was the next day. So again I was putting her on the back burner. The healthy child gets shafted again. So now not only did I fail my youngest in helping her get well, I failed my oldest by making Maddie more important that Katie's birthday. I really thought life would not get any lower.
Once we made it to the hospital and was informed of the plan of action to give her a jump I talked to my mom. I had already bought Katie's birthday present I just wasn't going to be there to help her celebrate. It was too dangerous during cold and flu season to have a party at the house. I felt as though I had reached the worst kind of failure.
Something that helped a little bit was that my mom came to the hospital to hang out with Maddie for a few hours. I drove home and had dinner with Phil, Katie, and Jack and we opened Katie's birthday presents. I had to leave to go back to the hospital but I was still given a few precious hours with my other two children and Maddie was not the center of attention. Thanks Mom
I have never felt this particular form of failure until that day I drove her back to the hospital. I had to tell my older daughter we have to celebrate her birthday a little late this year and that no one except Mommy, Daddy and Jack could be there to help celebrate. I promised we would make it up to her.
A few days later Maddie was discharged from the hospital again and we were sent home to work on getting her to eat again. And again I had failed my children even worse that before. Christmas day Maddie and I were back in the ER in the morning. So I missed Katie and Jack opening her presents from Santa and party of our Christmas day venture to Katie's god-parent's house. More crying on the way to the hospital.
This time I was mentally done for and could take no more and more crying in sued. We were contacted by a group who wanted to help in Maddie's recovery. We were going to get assigned a nutritionist and a physical therapist. The nutritionist for obvious reason. The physical therapist because Maddie had spent so much time in the hospital she was 5 months old and could not hold her head up. Because of the high medical expenses already incurred these services were free.
Today, Maddie is getting ready to finish up her physical therapy and we will still be under the supervision of the nutritionist. These stressful times I was hoping would soon be a memory now that we had some great new help. From the day Maddie's was discharged in November through the end of December was the darkest part of Maddie's recovery and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Her future looks very bright and I hope it stays that way.
TTFN~
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